Bullies and users

There has been many points in my life when I have felt bullied and used including by my parents who are supposed to be the ones who comfort you in these times. I always thought when you grew up it would happen less. I was totally wrong. Not only have I been continued to get bullied in aggressive production places of employment but now in my own home by the parents of the children I watch. This has brought my heart so low I can't even stand it. I intentionally choose to work with children because I loved how innocent and kind they are. What I failed to think of was how cruel their parents could be. Must you not only tear down my respect for myself and your children but also my business all together? Do you even understand the consequences of your actions? Let me lay it out for you clearly it will have one of two ways. One you and your child will have to find a new place to go or two you will demolish my whole business and send everyone packing including yourselves. That's the thing about bullies is they just don't think about the consequences. On the other hand I never make a choice without thinking how it will reflect back on to the others in my life. Also think about the example you are setting for your children. You're telling them they don't have to respect others including their authorities. Bullies breed bullies and those that take advantage teach their children to be a drain on society rather than to add to it. I teach children to be kind to each other. I teach them to add to our community with their special talents. I teach them that they are always good enough as long as they try and I'll always be proud of them for telling the truth and helping a friend in need. All I ask for in return is a little respect. Enough to support what I am doing with your children and enough to give them what they deserve. I can't do my job properly if I am worried about providing a balanced diet for them. Or paying the electric so they can be comfortable because their parents decided they needed to go out one more night or they really needed that new dress. I take care of my kids first and I am always last. I take care of your kids before myself. All I ask is that you support me instead of breaking me down.

Cries of a child from divorced parents

I'm feeling very urged to express my feelings and concerns for those parents I know that are going through a divorce and struggling with redefining themselves and their family. First I want to say my parents in my mind have never been together. Their divorce was when I was 1. Besides being completely confusing as to how we were supposed to act because each parent had different rules, their actions for their own lives effected us as well.
The worst thing you can start doing is putting yourself and your "needs" first. When I say needs I mean your need to try and smash someone into that hole that was made when you decided you'd be better off alone. You are emotional and I get that you think you need some emotional support but you don't need to start dating to get that. It is way worse to go to the wrong places to fill this need than to leave it open. Not only for you but your children as well. My mom was many things but mother was never shown to be priority unless she currently had a boyfriend. Do you want your children to take a backseat to your flings? They will always love you but men will come and go as you have already demonstrated. Also think of the message you want to send to your child. Your teaching them that they need someone. Not to wait for someone amazing but that they just need anyone.
I watched my mom for years get ready to go out and as the time went on I started resenting every time I saw her standing in her closet or in front of the mirror because I knew she wasn't going to be spending time with me. Your children need you. Actually need you more than you think you need a date. Because one day they will look back on their life and ask why they weren't enough. Why you felt the need to look for love elsewhere when you had plenty to offer them. I was always told you'll understand when your older. But I don't I would never want my children to question their place in my life. They are my life.  I have now since grown up and have wondered why I was so unlovable since others mothers always have done everything for their children. I'm not saying don't date but I am saying maybe leave it as a low priority.
And on the other hand they dont need a friend in you they need a parent. Don't just hand them everything they want. You now need to be the enforcer and the law maker. You have to teach them right from wrong because if you don't find time no one will. It is your responsibility to raise they up to be a contributing member of society and not a selfish spoiled person. They understand far more than you think they do and babying them is justification in their eyes that they can take advantage of others because of their condition. These are the two biggest things I have had a hard time dealing with being from a divorced family. Just remember you now are fully responsible for how your children turn out teach them where their priorities should be.

Stressed out!

It always seems right when you're getting where you need to be life has a way of messing it all up. I was just getting to where I needed to be financially and my world flips upside down and chews me up and spits me out. I need a fence for my daycare. It is not a want it is a need. I had all but $1000 saved up for the dang thing and you know life comes around and kicks me off my feet. I had to use some of that money to pay my assistant because some people didn't tell me their kids weren't coming until too late, didn't get paid for them and then still needed to pay my assistant who drove all the way from Alton to come work but I didn't even need her 4 days in a row! Then the holiday comes everyone is off different days couldn't do anything because I had to work everyday but made a misely $6.50 an hour all week long yea! No it blows. When my assistant was here I don't even think I made that maybe $5 an hour. Sweet! Then this whole Obama care thing is royaly screwing over anyone who is self employed which happens to be both of us awesome! And then people order things and then stiff me with their finished custom order and no money! I can't afford this. Totally feeling screwed over. I thought just maybe I'd be able to make up all the lost money from last weeks vacation goers this week. Think again! 4 kids tomorrow! 4 that's a total of $9 an hour putting my average at $7.50 an hour. Not good. What do I do? Fire my assistant? Replace kids whose moms are unreliable? Find a new job all together? Feeling so lost and underappreciated. Oh and to top it off all the boys missed the toilet so much lately the whole floor and sub flooring is shot all around the toilet so there goes some of the money I needed for my fence as well. Then while we are at it we might as well by a new toilet since that doesn't work very well either. i think I have to plunger it evry other day if not every day. Yay that fence that I actually really need is getting farther and farther away. And oh yes I can get some grant money to help pay for it if I buy more insurance which is barely less than what the amount of grant money would be worth. And the insurance company wants to see pictures of the fence I don't have in order for me to qualify for the insurance! Yay! One big loop hole of suckiness. easy come easy go! I sure hope things start turning around soon because I can not afford another week like this last.

Kinda peeved

I do understand that I'm not a big corporation and I do understand I'm not a "preschool" but I get aggrevated when people really don't know the difference. Want to know the truth about preschools is that Iowa has no standards for preschools except that they have a daycare registration. So guess what they have the same standards as me except I actually use a program that compares to the state standards at the elmentary level. I can prove which standards each activity not just each lesson apply to and how. I also know I am way cheaper than the daycare center and on the lower end for rates. So why do I get treated like crap? No one would like it if they received their paychecks a week late. Or if someone decided you weren't going to get 1/6 of your pay check anymore. I do what I do because I love the children and I love to see them learn and succeed when they move on. All I ask in return is a bit of respect and to be paid on time, and to be told when not to expect children since I did hire an assistant to help me on days when all the children are present. I think it's a bit easier for everyone if they just text or call and say I'm not gonna be there today instead of having my assistant drive 15 miles to work for diddly because we don't get paid that much and then what get sent back home at noon when I finally find out people aren't showing up. So then I'm just supposed to pay her half of what I normally make and eat the lost money because someone else decided it to be that way without telling me?! Very frusterating! It really belittles all the extra stuff that I do with the kids that I know other places dont. It also eats away every last dime I extra I could spend on the kids getting ice cream, going to the zoo, or checking out a movie. What is that old saying you get what you pay for? Maybe you should find elsewhere to daycare then. Because these are all examples of how disrespectful you have been. This is my job. And people need to understand that it is my only income. It also  changes significantly from day to day and if I were any other proffession things would be drastically different. It is a creature of it's own and it totally exasperates me to be treated so disrespectfully. I take care of your children 40-50 hours a week. I wipe their tears, I feed them nutricious meals, I teach them manners, kindness, cleanliness, responsibility, abcs, 123s, all about the world around them, and most importantly self worth. All I ask for inreturn is for a bit of respect. I have and will never treat anyone this way let alone someone who looks after my children when I cannot myself. Just some food for thought, and I know other daycare ladies feel the same a lot because the most common complaint about the business is not getting paid. I'm done ranting but it seriously ticks me off.

Ugh! Do you ever wonder when you're bad day or week came from? Did it start with my bad attitude or was it caused by other's bad attitudes? I have realized that when Daddy, isn't happy Mommy isn't happy, and the kids aren't happy but that doesn't happen very often. I do catch myself being snippy after I've been snipped at and I also find it so hard to say sorry to them for it when I know it's totally my fault for taking it out on them. But this week was just weird. It seemed that all the daycare kids were edgy. I really started the week out on the right foot ready to go and eager to start but then it was like every time I went to help one child the next one was screaming or the other one fell, and it went on and on. Someone spilled their milk, someone peed their pants, so and so used all the soap from the brand new bottle and now has suds from elbow to fingertips and in their hair and all over my bathroom. While I'm cleaning that mess up another goes and dumps out all the toys the others had spent the last 15 min. cleaning up and is now getting yelled at by the others about how mean they are. Ugh! by the end of the day I have been so ready to sit down and enjoy the quietness that I now have a overflowing pile of dishes, bout 5 loads of laundry and a totally sticky and scummy house from top to bottom. Oh and someone decided to use their vegetables to paint pretty pictures on my windows. Oh and my counselor called and wanted to make sure I was progressing on my 10 page research paper due on Wednesday. No I haven't done anything but yet everything and I can't even begin to think about where to begin now. And could someone please help me set up my google schedule! I am so lost I can't even find the appointments that I add in. What has happened to my week? Maybe I should be doing something more productive than writing on my blog but I can't even think at this point. I am so ready for this assistant to start if only to keep the peace while I help clean up all the messes. It seemed like everyone was spilling milk and peeing their pants and breaking things this week. So my question where did my attitude come from myself or my work week? Did I make the kids week bad or did they make my week bad? I guess I need to get to work and make sure to start next week out on a better foot!

Craziness

As I started school again and interview for an assistant for the summer I find myself a bit overwhelmed. It ended up not working out the way I had it all planned but I'm going to be optimistic that the new plan will be in place by the end of next week. I'm a bit apprehensive of dealing with a teenage girl and a bunch of young kids. I hoping I have found a nice one with less attitude then the average teenage girl! In this way facebook is a heaven sent because as far as I can tell I have weeded out the ones with attitudes by their language and vulgarity used on facebook! Lol! Never thought that would come in handy that way! Some may not like this but I would rather have a mature well reserved assistant than one who is going to be dropping swears and such! I still wish it would have worked out for my orginal plan with a girl I know well and am comfortable with. I'm hoping this makes it easier for us to go to the park and go to the library and other fun things! I'm really loving the new preschool curriculm I thought we'd try! We are studying the rainforest and they evern thought enough to incorporate moral lessons into the curriculm. We had a discussion about being content and listening to your heart when is says you have had enough and you are happy. Such an awesome topic to discuss with children! We even did a fun scientific experiment with it where the kids got blindfolded and needed to decide when enough water had been poured into the glass in their hands. Some were good with a little, most were good to close to the top, and a couple had glasses that overflowed. We then discussed how we could better have used the excess water that had overflowed to share with our friends so everyone is happy. We also talked about jealous of thy neighbors things. The kids whho didn't have a lot were completely content with what they had and were not jealous of the others. What an awesome bunch of kids I have that have already learned the lesson of being content with what they have! The grass is just right on this side of the road! I think this is so important to understand especially in our society where some kids are taught they are supposed to have the best of the best or they aren't happy. This is definately a testamony to show parents that they can make a difference in their child's life at a young age whether they will have a positive and accepting personality or a harsh and critising one! Be an example for your kids and make sure it's a positive one because they are listening, watching, and reacting your every move! I know we often times think we are teaching them the right things only to catch ourselves acting badly infront of them, or maybe to turn around and see they had woken up and had been watching from the doorway. Reminds me of the song my Martina Mcbride in my daughters eyes I see who I want to be. We are our kids heros, their whole world they see through our eyes and how we interupt it effects them so much!

Ugh! Fired up!

So some people think I'm a massive b*word because I'm not supportive of their destructive behavior to themselves and everyone around them. Really? Since when was it ok to idolize yourself and treat everyone else like crap? I put up with your stupidity for far too long. I have even tried on numerous occassions to help you figure out the problems you were setting yourself up for. But as I have come to find out when you are arrogant and on drugs you have nothing but excuses for all the crappy things you do to people and I should forgive you and feel sorry for you because you have have chosen these things! Against all my gut feelings I had forgiven you and tried to help you answer your questions of why you do these things over and over again. I am now done. You have literally run out of my patience. I am washign my hands. If others want to buy into your lies and games let them but I have no room for that in my life. I am not narrow minded nor insensitive I am standing up for my right to choose to have friends worth having. No woman should be treated like a door mat over and over again. There are absolutely no excuses for cheating on your wife over and over and over and over and over again. And if she hates me for that now it's fine. I'm good with that. She just hasn't realized how wonderful and amazing she is because she's been listening to your excuses for so long she believes them. That its her fault you don't find her attractive.  And the only reason you married her was because you thought you couldn't do better but now you know you can. Screw that crap. She can do better even if she can't see it right now. Your wife is supposed to be the one person you cherish more than any other person on earth and everyone deserves that. it makes me so thnakful to know that I have such a wonderful husband that is totally caring. But that makes you upset too so you have to break him down as well. That is where I absolutely draw the line! You mess with my family you are going to get the brick wall. I'm completely done. I dont want you around my house, I don't want you around my children, I don't want you around my husband. Everything you touch lately goes to crap and until you decide to turn your life around I can't afford to even pity you, because you take advantage of that as well. You are a user of many sorts but most of all at this point you are a user of people. And if I ever was a friend you would know I am an honest friend. Honestly you need to get your life together and nothing is going to change til you decide you are going to start righting all the wrongs you have done to everyone close to you. And I do mean everyone. Stop the drugs. Clear your head, and assess the situation! The whole entire world cannot be working against you for the fun of it. You have burned all your bridges and its time you start rebuilding them! Until then I wash my hands of you and yours and ask that you respect the last request I have and stay away from me and my family and do not utter another word against us.

Wow what a night! People are seriously messed up! Like my pastor said in a sermon last fall "who do you want to be? Someone who brings joy to other's lives or misery?" I feel like the kinder you are the more people are likely to treat you like crap. Just because I would rather hurt myself than to be mean or rude to someone does not make me a doormat for you to scrap the dog poo off your shoes. Some people just blow me away! Why do people feel the need to make up lies to make a conversation seem more interesting or try to deflect what's wrong in their life onto others. Oh well I'm not doing this but so and so is. No you are the one doing these things and no one's to blame but you. Step up and take responsibility for your actions and if you are too ashamed to you shouldn't be doing it. There are know two people in my life that I will never ever forgive enough to talk to ever again. I am sick of these rude people who's number one object in life is to ruin others lives. Why are there people out there who are like that? I didn't have the best upbringing but that doesn't mean I want everyone else to live a life of misery and sorrow. I just don't understand it. I'm sick of feeling sorry for these people because seriously they just use that against you and do the same things again!I don't need the extra drama in my life. Ruined my night! I had so much planned for my night and got absolutely nothing done.

Insearch of answers that will always have none

I spent most of the morning cleaning my house after Sunday school. I was asked by Dustin awhile ago why I don't listen to music while I clean. I never gave him an answer. Today I decided I would I started with some fun music to get me going and there's always a couple more slow paced songs that have deeper meanings on a CD. Well when they came on my mind started racing about all the things going on in my life right now and all the hurt that has been refreshed by recent events. Now I have an answer why I stopped listening to music for so long. I even have found when I drove to my classes for daycare that I was bawling by the time I reached my house because of listening to music on the radio. So here I was cleaning my house with tears streaming down my face and asking all the questions I know I'll never get an answer to either because I won't or I can't ask the appropriate people.
         Recent events that have reopened old wounds that I have buried deep inside are my son's problems with school. The most appropriate song came on today that made me hurt so much for him, myself and my brother. Joe Nichols If no one believed in you was the song. I feel like I really need to pray over my son and work hard at undoing all the damage to his character that was done this year. Just because he's in Kindergarten does not mean that he doesn't have a grasp of what your actions mean. To start out your school career being told you are not a good kid or you're too much of a problem to be kept in the classroom, or just giving up on him and telling him he can't succeed and that he needs someone to do it for him is not the best start. So their bright idea was to hold him back and try to cover up the problem instead of digging just below the surface and listening to him shout at them exactly what he needed. He was telling them I can't concentrate with all the distractions. I need to me on my own to do the work. I can do it on my own I just need this one thing. But they weren't listening. They weren't listening to me either. I felt like they thought I was delusional and thought there was nothing the matter with my child and that I wasn't taking their concerns seriously. I feel like I was taking them very seriously and I actually know a lot about working with children and teaching child. I am actually  a daycare provider and am currently in my senior year of college to become an elementary teacher. I actually know full well what is appropriate and what is not and what is reasonable and what is not. Asking you to try positive reinforcement is not that bizarre nor is allotting him time in a quiet area to do his work. No, they would not try anything I suggested until we went to a psychologist and got him diagnosed with ADHD. Oh I guess he's really not that bad of a kid. Oh wow he really has changed since we have brought him to get diagnosed. Yeah right! He's not on medication nor was there anything that has changed in the way we are raising him. But all of a sudden now he is so wonderful and complete turn around. Wow! Now who is delusional?
          Also anyone who has known me for awhile or has met my family knows that there are a lot of things that aren't right about it. I know every family has their problems but really it's a something I have to struggle with everyday to get past. My brother was basically my father figure while growing up. He basically was the only person I could rely on 100% of the time. No joke! My brother and I had each other and that's all that mattered in the fairy tale that we wove together to cope with the way things really were. I love my parents and sometimes I think they did their best and sometimes I think they had no idea where their priorities belonged. My brother and I had each other and we would make up stories like the box car children where we made our own home and took care of ourselves and actually did a good job of it. He always told me when he got old enough he'd take me away from it all and make sure we never got hurt again. Then we got older and the weight of the world was on my brothers shoulders and he finally was broken. He was told he couldn't do it enough times he finally gave up. "You'd probably give up to if no one believed in you." I wasn't old enough to know what to do to help him. I did the best I could though. I started covering up for him and trying to care for him like he did for me for so many years.
         I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to, just like he didn't know how to take care of me. It broke my heart as I watched him lose control of what little we had to hold on to. I held on to him as long as I could until one day he had to leave and I was left alone. He was gone and I only ever caught a brief glimpse of his once beautiful and strong soul. The only one I knew i could go to about everything. The only true soul that could understand how bad every bad day was or how deep our parents words or actions could cut. My husband tells me I have a silver tongue that can cut deeper with my words than anyone he's ever known. I guess it was a sind effect from all the years of being held up to impossible standards that I never had any hope of ever reaching because there was no guidance of how to reach them. It wasn't even the carrot in front of the cart. It was more like why don't you hurry up and grow up and stop being a burden and disappointment in my life.
       And it urks me to be asked "what is wrong with you? Or what is wrong with your brother?" Well we have been broken and our spirits may never ever be as open and trusting again. I keep scraping and scratching unable to ever climb that mountain of disappointment and worthlessness. Fortunately, I have had some really wonderful people that have been great wonders in my life! Sonia is my best friend and has never ever talked down to me or belittled me. She has always stuck up for me and believed I was a better person than I ever thought I was capable of being. A true nonjudgmental friend to the heart. She has one of the most beautiful souls I've ever seen. She understands when I'm broken and helps me pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.
      My husband is an angel sent from heaven to save my soul. he has literally patched up so many holes and empty spaces in my heart that I thought would never be filled. He is now my rock and my everything. I wish I could do so much more and give him what he really deserves a heart that was strong to begin with that could love him as much and as blindly as it should. He constantly has to remind me he's not going anywhere and he will never leave me with that lonely emptiness I had since before I could remember. For the first time since I was young plotting fairy tales with my brother I have felt truly loved for everything that I am and everything I am capable or incapable of doing. He always tells me to be proud of all that I have done and I have come so far and have grown so much he's in complete awe of how much I can accomplish  and how heavy of a load my heart can handle.
     These are not the only people who have touched my heart and have changed me forever but they are just the first of many to be addressed. On my journey through life I just hope that my children and my husband know each and every day how much they are loved and how much I am proud of them for just being who they are. I love them dearly and now they are what I hold on to every day! My brother is setting forth on his own journey of having a family and I wish I could be there for him to support him and help him work through with his family the foothills I have already overcome. I pray that he has the confidence and has pieced together enough of his own heart to believe in himself enough to know he will be a wonderful father to my niece/nephew.