Monday, April 23, 2012
Wow what a night! People are seriously messed up! Like my pastor said in a sermon last fall "who do you want to be? Someone who brings joy to other's lives or misery?" I feel like the kinder you are the more people are likely to treat you like crap. Just because I would rather hurt myself than to be mean or rude to someone does not make me a doormat for you to scrap the dog poo off your shoes. Some people just blow me away! Why do people feel the need to make up lies to make a conversation seem more interesting or try to deflect what's wrong in their life onto others. Oh well I'm not doing this but so and so is. No you are the one doing these things and no one's to blame but you. Step up and take responsibility for your actions and if you are too ashamed to you shouldn't be doing it. There are know two people in my life that I will never ever forgive enough to talk to ever again. I am sick of these rude people who's number one object in life is to ruin others lives. Why are there people out there who are like that? I didn't have the best upbringing but that doesn't mean I want everyone else to live a life of misery and sorrow. I just don't understand it. I'm sick of feeling sorry for these people because seriously they just use that against you and do the same things again!I don't need the extra drama in my life. Ruined my night! I had so much planned for my night and got absolutely nothing done.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Insearch of answers that will always have none
I spent most of the morning cleaning my house after Sunday school. I was asked by Dustin awhile ago why I don't listen to music while I clean. I never gave him an answer. Today I decided I would I started with some fun music to get me going and there's always a couple more slow paced songs that have deeper meanings on a CD. Well when they came on my mind started racing about all the things going on in my life right now and all the hurt that has been refreshed by recent events. Now I have an answer why I stopped listening to music for so long. I even have found when I drove to my classes for daycare that I was bawling by the time I reached my house because of listening to music on the radio. So here I was cleaning my house with tears streaming down my face and asking all the questions I know I'll never get an answer to either because I won't or I can't ask the appropriate people.
Recent events that have reopened old wounds that I have buried deep inside are my son's problems with school. The most appropriate song came on today that made me hurt so much for him, myself and my brother. Joe Nichols If no one believed in you was the song. I feel like I really need to pray over my son and work hard at undoing all the damage to his character that was done this year. Just because he's in Kindergarten does not mean that he doesn't have a grasp of what your actions mean. To start out your school career being told you are not a good kid or you're too much of a problem to be kept in the classroom, or just giving up on him and telling him he can't succeed and that he needs someone to do it for him is not the best start. So their bright idea was to hold him back and try to cover up the problem instead of digging just below the surface and listening to him shout at them exactly what he needed. He was telling them I can't concentrate with all the distractions. I need to me on my own to do the work. I can do it on my own I just need this one thing. But they weren't listening. They weren't listening to me either. I felt like they thought I was delusional and thought there was nothing the matter with my child and that I wasn't taking their concerns seriously. I feel like I was taking them very seriously and I actually know a lot about working with children and teaching child. I am actually a daycare provider and am currently in my senior year of college to become an elementary teacher. I actually know full well what is appropriate and what is not and what is reasonable and what is not. Asking you to try positive reinforcement is not that bizarre nor is allotting him time in a quiet area to do his work. No, they would not try anything I suggested until we went to a psychologist and got him diagnosed with ADHD. Oh I guess he's really not that bad of a kid. Oh wow he really has changed since we have brought him to get diagnosed. Yeah right! He's not on medication nor was there anything that has changed in the way we are raising him. But all of a sudden now he is so wonderful and complete turn around. Wow! Now who is delusional?
Also anyone who has known me for awhile or has met my family knows that there are a lot of things that aren't right about it. I know every family has their problems but really it's a something I have to struggle with everyday to get past. My brother was basically my father figure while growing up. He basically was the only person I could rely on 100% of the time. No joke! My brother and I had each other and that's all that mattered in the fairy tale that we wove together to cope with the way things really were. I love my parents and sometimes I think they did their best and sometimes I think they had no idea where their priorities belonged. My brother and I had each other and we would make up stories like the box car children where we made our own home and took care of ourselves and actually did a good job of it. He always told me when he got old enough he'd take me away from it all and make sure we never got hurt again. Then we got older and the weight of the world was on my brothers shoulders and he finally was broken. He was told he couldn't do it enough times he finally gave up. "You'd probably give up to if no one believed in you." I wasn't old enough to know what to do to help him. I did the best I could though. I started covering up for him and trying to care for him like he did for me for so many years.
I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to, just like he didn't know how to take care of me. It broke my heart as I watched him lose control of what little we had to hold on to. I held on to him as long as I could until one day he had to leave and I was left alone. He was gone and I only ever caught a brief glimpse of his once beautiful and strong soul. The only one I knew i could go to about everything. The only true soul that could understand how bad every bad day was or how deep our parents words or actions could cut. My husband tells me I have a silver tongue that can cut deeper with my words than anyone he's ever known. I guess it was a sind effect from all the years of being held up to impossible standards that I never had any hope of ever reaching because there was no guidance of how to reach them. It wasn't even the carrot in front of the cart. It was more like why don't you hurry up and grow up and stop being a burden and disappointment in my life.
And it urks me to be asked "what is wrong with you? Or what is wrong with your brother?" Well we have been broken and our spirits may never ever be as open and trusting again. I keep scraping and scratching unable to ever climb that mountain of disappointment and worthlessness. Fortunately, I have had some really wonderful people that have been great wonders in my life! Sonia is my best friend and has never ever talked down to me or belittled me. She has always stuck up for me and believed I was a better person than I ever thought I was capable of being. A true nonjudgmental friend to the heart. She has one of the most beautiful souls I've ever seen. She understands when I'm broken and helps me pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.
My husband is an angel sent from heaven to save my soul. he has literally patched up so many holes and empty spaces in my heart that I thought would never be filled. He is now my rock and my everything. I wish I could do so much more and give him what he really deserves a heart that was strong to begin with that could love him as much and as blindly as it should. He constantly has to remind me he's not going anywhere and he will never leave me with that lonely emptiness I had since before I could remember. For the first time since I was young plotting fairy tales with my brother I have felt truly loved for everything that I am and everything I am capable or incapable of doing. He always tells me to be proud of all that I have done and I have come so far and have grown so much he's in complete awe of how much I can accomplish and how heavy of a load my heart can handle.
These are not the only people who have touched my heart and have changed me forever but they are just the first of many to be addressed. On my journey through life I just hope that my children and my husband know each and every day how much they are loved and how much I am proud of them for just being who they are. I love them dearly and now they are what I hold on to every day! My brother is setting forth on his own journey of having a family and I wish I could be there for him to support him and help him work through with his family the foothills I have already overcome. I pray that he has the confidence and has pieced together enough of his own heart to believe in himself enough to know he will be a wonderful father to my niece/nephew.
Recent events that have reopened old wounds that I have buried deep inside are my son's problems with school. The most appropriate song came on today that made me hurt so much for him, myself and my brother. Joe Nichols If no one believed in you was the song. I feel like I really need to pray over my son and work hard at undoing all the damage to his character that was done this year. Just because he's in Kindergarten does not mean that he doesn't have a grasp of what your actions mean. To start out your school career being told you are not a good kid or you're too much of a problem to be kept in the classroom, or just giving up on him and telling him he can't succeed and that he needs someone to do it for him is not the best start. So their bright idea was to hold him back and try to cover up the problem instead of digging just below the surface and listening to him shout at them exactly what he needed. He was telling them I can't concentrate with all the distractions. I need to me on my own to do the work. I can do it on my own I just need this one thing. But they weren't listening. They weren't listening to me either. I felt like they thought I was delusional and thought there was nothing the matter with my child and that I wasn't taking their concerns seriously. I feel like I was taking them very seriously and I actually know a lot about working with children and teaching child. I am actually a daycare provider and am currently in my senior year of college to become an elementary teacher. I actually know full well what is appropriate and what is not and what is reasonable and what is not. Asking you to try positive reinforcement is not that bizarre nor is allotting him time in a quiet area to do his work. No, they would not try anything I suggested until we went to a psychologist and got him diagnosed with ADHD. Oh I guess he's really not that bad of a kid. Oh wow he really has changed since we have brought him to get diagnosed. Yeah right! He's not on medication nor was there anything that has changed in the way we are raising him. But all of a sudden now he is so wonderful and complete turn around. Wow! Now who is delusional?
Also anyone who has known me for awhile or has met my family knows that there are a lot of things that aren't right about it. I know every family has their problems but really it's a something I have to struggle with everyday to get past. My brother was basically my father figure while growing up. He basically was the only person I could rely on 100% of the time. No joke! My brother and I had each other and that's all that mattered in the fairy tale that we wove together to cope with the way things really were. I love my parents and sometimes I think they did their best and sometimes I think they had no idea where their priorities belonged. My brother and I had each other and we would make up stories like the box car children where we made our own home and took care of ourselves and actually did a good job of it. He always told me when he got old enough he'd take me away from it all and make sure we never got hurt again. Then we got older and the weight of the world was on my brothers shoulders and he finally was broken. He was told he couldn't do it enough times he finally gave up. "You'd probably give up to if no one believed in you." I wasn't old enough to know what to do to help him. I did the best I could though. I started covering up for him and trying to care for him like he did for me for so many years.
I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to, just like he didn't know how to take care of me. It broke my heart as I watched him lose control of what little we had to hold on to. I held on to him as long as I could until one day he had to leave and I was left alone. He was gone and I only ever caught a brief glimpse of his once beautiful and strong soul. The only one I knew i could go to about everything. The only true soul that could understand how bad every bad day was or how deep our parents words or actions could cut. My husband tells me I have a silver tongue that can cut deeper with my words than anyone he's ever known. I guess it was a sind effect from all the years of being held up to impossible standards that I never had any hope of ever reaching because there was no guidance of how to reach them. It wasn't even the carrot in front of the cart. It was more like why don't you hurry up and grow up and stop being a burden and disappointment in my life.
And it urks me to be asked "what is wrong with you? Or what is wrong with your brother?" Well we have been broken and our spirits may never ever be as open and trusting again. I keep scraping and scratching unable to ever climb that mountain of disappointment and worthlessness. Fortunately, I have had some really wonderful people that have been great wonders in my life! Sonia is my best friend and has never ever talked down to me or belittled me. She has always stuck up for me and believed I was a better person than I ever thought I was capable of being. A true nonjudgmental friend to the heart. She has one of the most beautiful souls I've ever seen. She understands when I'm broken and helps me pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.
My husband is an angel sent from heaven to save my soul. he has literally patched up so many holes and empty spaces in my heart that I thought would never be filled. He is now my rock and my everything. I wish I could do so much more and give him what he really deserves a heart that was strong to begin with that could love him as much and as blindly as it should. He constantly has to remind me he's not going anywhere and he will never leave me with that lonely emptiness I had since before I could remember. For the first time since I was young plotting fairy tales with my brother I have felt truly loved for everything that I am and everything I am capable or incapable of doing. He always tells me to be proud of all that I have done and I have come so far and have grown so much he's in complete awe of how much I can accomplish and how heavy of a load my heart can handle.
These are not the only people who have touched my heart and have changed me forever but they are just the first of many to be addressed. On my journey through life I just hope that my children and my husband know each and every day how much they are loved and how much I am proud of them for just being who they are. I love them dearly and now they are what I hold on to every day! My brother is setting forth on his own journey of having a family and I wish I could be there for him to support him and help him work through with his family the foothills I have already overcome. I pray that he has the confidence and has pieced together enough of his own heart to believe in himself enough to know he will be a wonderful father to my niece/nephew.
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